Why Unrealistic Expectations Hurt Relationships and How to Master Them

In my opinion as a psychologist, relationship expectations refer to general guidelines of how we engage and bond with other people. They include such elements as trust, communication, support, which define the nature of relations in the partnership. The present and realistic expectations promote trust and closeness, thus, increasing the satisfaction with the relationship. Still, it is vital to share these expectations assertively without violating the partner’s need for privacy and perception. Expectations that are not met are very likely to cause dissatisfaction, which underlines the necessity of understanding and compromise. When dealing with expectations, if the two parties are sensitive and properly communicate, then it fosters respect and creates successful relationships for long lasting harmony and satisfaction.

Making Sense of Expectations and Entitlement

In my line of work as a psychologist, I have observed that expectations and entitlement play a significant role in determining the state of a relationship. Expectations are inherent; it is what everyone ought to know about the other in a relationship, such as courtesy and honesty. It is the standard that they define and agree on it, for example, being punctual or having someone to rely on during hard times. However, entitlement is different from the expectations because it is about the belief that one deserves a certain treatment without necessarily deserving it. It mostly arises out of issues of conformity and paternalism, where one expects others to do things that they find acceptable regardless of their standards.

”Expectations are the standards we establish for healthy and positive interpersonal interactions, while entitlement is the belief that these expectations are rightfully deserved without receiving anything in return. ”
Dr. Emma Thompson
Ph.D. in Psychology
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In therapy, I sometimes assist the clients in making this discrimination. Communication and negotiations of expectations are effective ways of promoting understanding and respect among people. On the other hand, entitlement leads to disappointment, and conflict when unmet. This is why one must always consider their expectations in a relationship, and remain aware when one starts getting more entitled than the other. Such an approach implies the necessity of practicing empathy, and being able to see other people’s point of view, in order to form healthier relationships based on the mutual respect rather than unfulfilled expectations. Such awareness helps to improve the communication and the quality of the relational experience for everyone in the triangle.

Harm of Expectations in Relationships

Why Unrealistic Expectations Hurt Relationships and How to Master Them

The problem with expectations is that they come with disappointments and regrets in most relationships and have negative effects on the one who has the expectations and the one who is expected to meet them. The damage is done gradually and the foundation of the relationship is marred in the process.

I can’t simple give a list of procedures to my partner and hope that they will adhere strictly to them. Instead, the time and effort should be given to the relationship’s development and strengthening, day by day, hour by hour. This process requires two crucial elements: The elements of time and space are used to denote the periods in which the secondary activities occur and the locations in which they are carried out. Their first disappointment is like having the first brick taken out of place, and our communication begins to be affected.

The disappointment causes the gap, which results in lack of cooperation between us and misunderstanding. This gap can easily turn into a void, making the distance and noise in the sweetness of our relationship increase. They get even further away and the gap between them and ourselves enlarges, and we can hardly restore the communications.

In my experience, there must be careful management of expectations and letting the ‘friendship’ evolve on a natural course. Hence, understanding that each other needs time and space to develop and become better individuals, the bond will become stronger and less fragile. Knowing that it is possible to set unrealistic expectations and that it causes only harm to both parties contributes to the healthier perspective of the relationship. This way, not only is the void not created, but the relationship becomes more loving and supportive than it was before.

Selfless Giving in Relationships

Instead of demanding often and imposing a lot of pressure on people, we can decide to give without expecting anything in return. Investment relationships, such as marriage or other serious and official relationships, make the people spend their time, effort, and sometimes even money for their loved one. Nevertheless, there are situations when these people cannot do the same, and the reasons may be laid in illness, lack of money, many calls, or ignorance.

These relationships may be characterized by what might be considered unhealthy or unfair for one or both parties. Still, there are times when we have to rely on others less than they have to rely on us. Those people who have had a partner who was receiving medical treatment or parents who have devoted their time to their children can relate with this. These persons are willing to contribute more than they are willing to take from the relationship out of love and care without expecting anything in return from the subject of their care. Through applying such strategy, it is possible to develop more healthy and less selfish relationships.

What strategies do we adopt in making sure that our expectations from the relationship are met?

Talk About It
This means that one should make sure that there is proper communication from the client to ensure that their expectations are well understood. Specify your needs and wants when it comes to your partner or friend so that he or she can comprehend what you want from them. Promote mutual communication where the couple feels that they have been understood by the other party.

Have Real Expectations
Be a realist with realistic expectations and appropriate level of expectations that should be there in the relationship. Admit that expectations have to be realistic and correspond to the situation and the abilities of both people engaged.

Flexibility is Needed
In your expectations, seek to develop a measure of elasticity and a good dose of realism. Understand that the nature of the relationships between the parties is not static, and the needs of the parties might change. If necessary, one should be willing to change expectations in order to keep the relationships as well as the satisfaction levels up.

Empathy
Use reasoning by putting yourself in the shoes of your partner or friend. It is important to try to understand and learn their reasons for having certain behaviors and the obstacles they face so that better, more realistic and tolerant expectations can be set.

Boundary Setting
The best ways to do so are setting personal boundaries to protect your emotional state and to recognize and observe others’ boundaries. This way it is possible to avoid conflicts of interest and to show respect and understanding to each other.

Self-awareness
Bring awareness for your expectations that you may have had about the situation. Self-consider how they are fair or unreasonable as to how they will strengthen or weaken your relations.

Conflict Resolution
To avoid negative consequences of conflict of expectations, it is advised that conflicts arising from such issues should best be handled by addressing them as early as possible and in a healthy manner. The conflict management style should be characterized by patience and readiness to compromise in order to reach an agreement that will be fair to both parties.

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