The New York Times comes up with an article on the reasons why some adult children cut off their ties with parents due to the long-term effects of a traumatic childhood. This may cause parents to feel abandoned by their own child and their source of power to fix the relationship may be taken away from them. The members of either side also can feel anger, sorrow, and depression. The article considers American families but still according to my experience as a researcher, such problems are not limited to the United States. I do not intend on choosing sides between parents and their adult children during these trying times. It is undoubted that there are no winners when a family is torn apart. Rather, I suggest to the people that empathy and open dialogue from both sides is the best solution. Taking the above into consideration, the following contains the strategies for the parents who are trying to restore their broken relationship with their children.
With empathy, false hope becomes obsolete
When the adult kids are in a dilemma that their parents are not in a good relationship with them, try to avoid quick fixes. But in the course of it, I’ve seen a lot of parents and their adult children make up with each other. For parents who still meet their angry or distant adult children halfway, the advice below is to use it to reduce the gap and have a more satisfying relationship. Through my professional experience as a coach of parents with similar issues, I’ve seen how these approaches have proven to be helpful. Empathy, which is the basis of reconnection, is the most important thing. Among the three decades of my experience in coaching parents of adult children, I’ve never met an adult child who was not thankful for their parents’ empathy, and likewise, I’ve never heard a parent apologize for their adult child’s understanding.
Ways to Connect With Your Grown-Up Child
Control your emotional reactivity
By being calm, firm, and non-controlling, you can bypass both the parent’s and adult child’s emotions without being triggered emotionally. One of the examples of a calm, firm, and noncontrolling parental soundbite is “I appreciate your perspective yet I disagree. It seems that we both feel strongly, and one of us has a different point of view. Would you agree with me that talking to each other calmly, constructively is going to make us feel better, rather than continuing to argue?”
Validate and acknowledge their emotions
Many parents get anxious about the good health of their grown-up children and they become overly controlling and advising more than it is necessary. In contrast, give empathy and affirm your child’s feelings. Tell them that their emotions count and you understand why they might get angry. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their viewpoint, but accepting and validating their emotions will create a safer space for open communication.
Self-Reflection: Participating in Parental Actions
Start with self-exploration and look at your behavior and way of life. Ponder whether you may have been the one who triggered your kid’s anger through any conflicts, misunderstandings, or mistakes. Having a sense of responsibility for the way you behave prepares the ground for the honest and sincere communication.
Apologize, admit your faults
If you are the one who has hurt your child through your actions, you can tenderly apologize. Admit your faults and say you are sorry genuinely. The process of making up may involve changing your behavior, giving up something, or working to rebuild the confidence.
Continuous effort
Trust can only be reestablished with patience and regularity. Show by example that you are serious about restoring the relationship by following through on your promises, respecting boundaries, and in addition, to continue to show love and support to your adult child.
Parenting with Tough Love:
Making-Growth and Accountability Part of Your Child’s Life
Offer your child a tough love
Tough love means establishing clear limits and putting them in practice to force a change in the behavior of the person and ensure the long term change. This can be seen in a number of cases, like refusing to let a drug-addicted adult child to come home without him or her seeking help, or not bailing out your son from financial crisis, even if it leads to dire consequences for him. The aim of tough love is to put an end to that behavior and promote positive growth as well as responsibility in your adult child. Classify harshness as cruelty and not as a tough love. Though meanness is aimed at causing harm, tough love is designed to create the path to recovery and the development of the child.
Avoid rescuing them
Taking away those consequences, your child will not experience the changes and the growth they deserve. Recall that the problem that you may perceive as a crisis may not be the same as what your child is experiencing, so do not allow yourself to take on their issues as your own.
Maintain a well-rounded relationship
In spite of the pain and the worries that come with the relationship, try to maintain a healthy approach, which is the most important thing. You don’t have to sacrifice your own beliefs to keep your relationship strong. As an illustration, if your daughter has not respected the family values, discuss with her about the problems apart from the ones that made her drift away. Invest in her, know her beyond the unfortunate situation that you are in.
Manage your emotions responsibly
It is important to make sure you don’t let your anger and frustration out on your child. Rather than this, try to engage in relevant discussions that build up understanding and peace-making. Although it is normal to be upset, it is necessary to release them in a healthy way so that you don’t feel resentful and stay apart from your partner.
Be a source of their inspiration
Even though you might sometimes feel like the whole world is against you, always try to be your kid’s main cheerleader. Try to find ways of letting out your emotions, like confiding in a close person, instead of putting your child through your own frustration. Keep on your role as the guardian angel and the pathfinder, no matter whatever circumstances that they pass through.
Find support for yourself
Keeping an eye on your child who is making self-destructive choices is distressing, so make sure you find support for yourself. Engage in rejuvenating relationships and reach out to support groups and counseling to provide support for your adult child and the ability to help him or her effectively. Remember, an emotionally healthy and supported parent is more likely to provide a good example for their children and help them choose the right path in life.
Reflection
Irrespective of your adult child’s age, being able to learn from the mistakes made and the failures is critical for the bond to be strengthened. Continually keep in mind how your actions can affect your child’s emotional stability. Should you find yourself facing the challenge of developing a bond with your adult child, you might want to consider going to a coach, a therapist or a counselor for support. These professionals can help you to identify and deal with any hidden problems within you that can be the source of the ongoing issues in your relation. Recall that asking for help from outside is not a sign of weakness but rather a decision to invest more in the welfare of your child.
